Dear Past Me…

Bisexual/queer Asian female (34)

To my 15 year old self:

I want you to know that you are incredibly enough, just as you are. I remember how dominant the feeling of inadequacy was, and how that permeated into every part of your life. Looking back, I know there are a lot of challenges and rejection and heartbreak ahead, but a) so much of that wasn’t because you are inadequate but maybe because the environment around you was inadequate; and b) nothing was gained from approaching school and friendships and love and your feelings towards yourself through a lens of inadequacy. There’s so much that feels so precarious and the so close yet so far-ness of unattainability (later we’ll learn about Lauren Berlant’s idea of “cruel optimism” and so much will snap into place) but I’d challenge you to think more deeply about what is it you truly care about, and who you really are. Take note of the quiet feelings of discontent and desire to go deeper layered underneath everything you’re going through - navigating the instability and isolation of family, queerness, racism, sexism, school, love, friends, mental health. Know that you’ll get away and live so many lives and see a much bigger world than suburban Maryland. There’s a lot out there and other things are growing along with you. Don’t lose sight of your strengths and your friends love you not because of how you look or what music you like or whether or not you can make them laugh. Hold onto and invest in these relationships and trust yourself to find the people you belong with. 16 and 17 will be incredibly difficult but things will come together when you lead with your strengths and your goodness. There’s an alchemy to the passage of time and of the 10+ new places you’ll live in by the time you’re my age. You don’t have to be what other people want you to be. As long as you lead with kindness and stay true to your values, you will absolutely be enough. There is so much more to be a part of, for you and for me.